I have a confession to make:
I have control issues.
If you know me…this is not surprise. If you only know me through my writing…you probably have already figured that out too.
And the one thing in my life that has shown me over and over, and over, and over, and over that I have control issues….
I’m sure to any of you who have kids that this also isn’t a surprise. I think any woman, even if she doesn’t think she has control issues, realizes there’s a few things she needs to deal with on the control front when she has kids.
When you noticed this may differ. For some, the initial realization in the first days of motherhood that your day, your nights, your body, your life is no longer completely yours hits like a freight train. For others, it takes longer before you realize that the pre-Mommy you is a very different creature than the Mommy version of yourself that has now taken over.
For me…it’s been a slow burn. I embraced the change of Melissa to Mommy with complete and utter joy. (minus the lack of sleep, of course;)
Infants…oh how I love infants. You know this about me if you’ve met me in life…especially if you attend my church. I’m know as the ‘Baby Stealer’. And I love that I’ve passed my love of babies on to my younger 2 boys…they beg to hold babies too!
I loved when my boys were babies. The smell of their furry little heads, (much better than what I smell now!) the way they snuggled into me while nursing, their beyond precious faces, sleepy smiles…I could go on forever!
But when they became toddlers, I enjoyed motherhood a little less. A toddler who is just starting to realize they can do what they want, when they want…
Not. What. I. Signed. Up. For.
So as my boys started wanting to claim some control for themselves…the fire was kindled. The inconveniences of them not doing things ‘my way’ or when I asked began to build and I became more and more frustrated.
There have, are, and probably will always be, seasons where the battle for control between Mom and Boy is a challenge.
But as much as I struggle with giving up control to with my boys, I also have realized another important thing:
I should’ve given up control sooner.
I wish I had let them do more for themselves, despite the mess, the delay, the inconvenience.
I wish that I had let them think their problems through more, instead of thinking/speaking/acting for them.
One of the many regrets I will always hold onto when I think of why Motherhood Matters.
It’s not too late for me, for my boys. I can continue to encourage them to think/speak/act for themselves. And the best thing I can do is pray them through their situations.
I know God can help change this Controlling Momma’s heart. Ad I am thankful that, though it may not be easy or pretty as I work to change my controlling heart and mind, God will never leave me in my struggle.
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